If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
