This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
