I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
