Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
