Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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