Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
