my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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