Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
