i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
