I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
