Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
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