I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Who put my cat in the fridge?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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