did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
