he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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