I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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