This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
