just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
