I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
