K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize