im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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