Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
