with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Barsexuality is the new black.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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