The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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