my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
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the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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