worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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