why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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