Your face is a jimmy john
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
