Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
