Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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