well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I need to calm my uterus...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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