My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
