Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Randomize
