Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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