Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
