you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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