I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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