if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
