final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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