All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
