Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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