I think I won the penis lottery.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen