Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Who says no to sex and donuts?!