She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.