I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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