shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
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We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
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They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".