my vag is so smooth its legendary
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
it's great music for shaving your balls
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here