OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.