I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....