proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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