Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
i've created a new STD.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
