I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
