Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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