I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
farters have to be the big spoon...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
