I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
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Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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