Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
