Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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