Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
