Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
