i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
