I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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